Dan Smith & Mary K. Hucyke: CourageousSpace Newsletter: November 2007
The Polarity of Empathy & Nerve
or...
When your strength becomes your liability
Which is more important: inhaling or exhaling?
"Neither, of course!" you say. "Both are important. Life and
health depend on both. Focus on one to the exclusion of the other and you are
in trouble." And, we agree. Fortunately, our bodies have a mechanism that
keeps us from foolishly ignoring one in favor of the other.
So...as a leader of congregational development and renewal, which is more important:
empathy or nerve? If you're like a group of pastors we worked with recently,
you come down on one side or the other, and with a fair amount of emotion. "Empathy
is the way to connect with people!" "Without nerve, you won't find
the courage to say what needs to be said!" "Yes, but too much nerve
and you alienate the people." "And too much empathy and you end up
merging with them and losing yourself." Yep.
Just as for inhaling and exhaling, empathy & nerve are not an either/or
but a both/and. Unfortunately, nature does not give us a mechanism that keeps
us from foolishly ignoring one in favor of the other. We must develop those
structures ourselves.
This pairing of interdependent opposites is called a "polarity". Empathy
& nerve are just one example of the many polarities facing church leaders.
Others include tradition & innovation, planning & improvising, diversity
& unity, action & reflection. Many of the most entrenched fights in
churches stem from polarities, values that are in tension with each other.
In actuality, each "pole" in a polarity functions most positively
when both are present to balance each other. Any pole, taken alone and honored
exclusively, quickly becomes a negative. Empathy and nerve for example. Nerve
provides the pastor with the backbone and the willingness to say and do whatever
it takes to live into her vision for herself and the world. It allows her to
take emotional and physical risks for the sake of the bigger quest. Nerve certainly
characterizes the life and teachings of Jesus. He said what needed to be said,
despite what people thought of him. He did not compromise his integrity. He
stayed true to his path and his calling.
But nerve, untempered by empathy, disconnects a religious leader from her people,
leaving each isolated and alienated. Christ, a radical risk-taker, is also depicted
as being highly empathic, constantly demonstrating the ability to connect with
people and their deepest needs. Christianity is at its heart also a relational
faith, with the end aim of right relationship (righteousness) between self,
God, and other. Empathy, the ability to be "with" people, builds relationship
and fosters the connection people need in order to trust and follow their leader.
It assures people their concerns are being heard and their needs taken into
account. Outside of emergency situations like fires and floods, people will
not follow a leader with whom they feel no connection. Without empathy, a leader
will find herself way out in front, with no one behind her.
But empathy alone is a dangerous trap. Without the individuation that nerve
provides, pastoral leaders become enmeshed in the emotional dynamics of parishioners
and the congregation. There is no movement forward; the leader's energy goes
to managing the congregation's emotional field and soothing hurt feelings. The
results? A drained and depressed pastor and an overly-sensitive, inwardly-focused
congregation.
Empathy & nerve: It takes both.
The problem? People, pastors and churches tend to prefer one pole of a polarity
over the other. That preference colors the way we view situations and interactions.
It influences our actions and reactions. The stronger our preference is, the
more likely that we will see people with similar preferences as allies and view
the opposite pole (and the people who prefer it) as bad, wrong, or dangerous.
The ensuing tug of war consumes energy without resulting in any real progress.
Good leadership rests on developing the ability to move beyond preferences -
both yours and the congregation's - to give the people what they need in order
to grow and/or move forward. That's a challenge when what the people need isn't
what they want...or, isn't what you're used to doing.
So how do you know if you're giving people what they need vs. what they want,
or what you want to give them?
You watch for the results. You learn to notice the impact of your words and
the outcomes of your actions. If the way you naturally say and do things, doesn't
lead to the results you're wanting, you need to decide which is more important:
doing things the way that comes most naturally...or getting the results you
want. If your answer is, "doing things the way that comes most naturally,"
then find a setting where that serves. If your answer is, "the results,"
then be prepared to grow.
The key questions for the pastoral leader are, "What are the results I'm
committed to achieving here? And, do I want them enough to change how I normally
think and act, if it requires that? Do I want them enough to speak up and challenge
the status quo? Do I want them enough to stop and connect with those I find
annoying or think foolish?"
As a leader you are called to step beyond your own preferences in order to serve
the present and future health of the group you lead. You must have nerve if
you would guide your congregation out of their stuck-ness. You must have empathy
if you would have them follow. You must want something enough for the people
you lead, that you will do what it takes to help them get it.
Homework
Empathy or Nerve. Which is the pole you naturally defer to?
List 2 situations where that inclination has served well.List 2 situations where
providing that did not lead to the results you hoped for.What is it you most
want for the people in your congregation?Name two groups or people you'll be
working with in the next week. What does each need from you, in order to grow
and help the greater congregation grow in the direction of your basic hope?
Be specific.
CourageousSpace 2007
Further reading
On polarity management:
Polarity Management Barry Johnson; Human Resource Development Press,
1996.
On nerve:
A Failure of Nerve Edwin Freidman; Seabury Books, 2007
On empathy:
Social Intelligence Daniel Goleman; Bantam, 2006.
Metaskills Amy Mindell; Lao Tse Press, 2003