Checking Your Assumptions
January 2006
" We need to improve communication in our congregation." How often the top three identified needs in a church include this one! The frequently identified specifics include sharing information in a broad, open, and timely way -- no secrets or surprises. "We will fix the newsletter," people declare, "and do a better job of making announcements on Sunday morning."
And while that's very important, it typically points to a deeper layer of communication that has gone awry. Often, when the problem is communication, the culprit is assumptions. Thinking you know something, or thinking that someone else knows something, without checking it out. Working off of assumptions rather than facts not only closes down communication it wreaks havoc with relationships. Our assumptions about another person determine who we see and how we interact with them. .
As the trustees meeting droned on, Pastor Charles looked across the table and caught Sharon frowning at him. " Damn," he thought. " She's still angry over last week's sermon." His eyes darted away and he sat up a little straighter. "Well, neither she nor anyone else is going to tell me what to preach. That message needed to be spoken."
t seemed to Charles that every time he glanced over, Sharon was staring at him. " Oh, so that's how it's going to be is it?" he thought and set his jaw. Charles took a deep breath and consciously turned away from her in his chair, telling himself to relax and be in control even as his thoughts raced. When the meeting ended, he intentionally avoided her and was relieved to see her leave quickly.. "Of course," he murmured to himself. In his mind he could see her racing home to burn up the phone lines about him.
Sharon just made it to the car before the tears came. A horrid day at work and then home to hear that her husband was leaving her. She'd hoped to get a moment with pastor, but as always he'd ignored her in favor of more important people.
We are assumption making machines. No sooner do we meet someone than we start making up stories about them based on their deportment, their words, how they're dressed. They're like us…or they're not. They're friendly…or they're dangerous. Assumptions servve us. They are a shortcut that quickly allows us to compare the person approaching us with other people that we've known and other experiences that we've had. In a matter of seconds our brain has made initial judgments about the person and comes up with a quick guide on how to respond.
Almost without awareness that we're doing it, we attach meaning to what we see and hear. We hear our partner's sigh and assume that means that she disagrees with what we just said saying. Maybe that's exactly what it means. And then again it might mean her back is acting up or that she's worried about her mother. We don't truly know what that sigh means unless she tells us.
Our assumptions, like the ones Pastor Charles made about Sharon , are often based in facts. Sharon had indeed disagreed hotly in Bible Study with Pastor Charles over the sermon. She was indeed often the conduit through which church news traveled. And, during that meeting she did glance at him often and there was indeed a frown on her face. The facts were correct. What was wrong was Pastor Charles interpretation of what those facts meant. Usually though, like Pastor Charles, we take our assumptions to be the truth and use them as the basis for how we interact with that person. We can not begin to tell you how many times mistaken assumptions have evolved into permanent grudges and ongoing power struggles.
The solution is both easy….and difficult. It's easy in that all it takes is sitting down with the person and checking out your assumptions. What a difference for Pastor Charles and for Sharon had he gone to her directly after the meeting and said, " Sharon , I noticed you frowning at me during the meeting and I've made the assumption that you're still very angry about the sermon I preached last week." Had that assumption been correct, he would have opened the way for more direct and honest conversation. Or, as in this case, he would have saved himself a week of restless nights and given Sharon the pastoral support she so needed in that moment.
The difficult part of checking out our assumptions is realizing that we've made them. They're formed instantaneously and feel as true as the facts we've based them on. We don't check out our assumptions, because we don't even realize we've made them.
Assumptions keep people separate. They have us interacting with our perceptions of people rather than the people themselves. Pastor Charles could easily spend the remaining years of his ministry in that congregation interacting with a Sharon who he assumes dislikes him and is out to get him. Sharon will in turn spend those years convinced that Pastor Charles is arrogant and dismissive and doesn't like her. Each will read the other's words and actions through a flawed filter and respond in kind until their initially false projections have become the truth.
Yes. Improved communication is needed in most churches. Address what is distributed to people in writing – newsletters, announcement pages iin Sunday bulletins, minutes distributed, letters written. Address what is given through spoken words – announcements on Sunday, telephone calls, small groupp gatherings. But don't forget to also address the most basic factor – the assumptions people make about each other and their situuation that shape their interactions
Here's are two exercises that will sharpen your awareness of the assumptions you make.
Exercise 1 When you find yourself in a public place this week, a grocery store line or sitting on a bus, pick out another person and simply by looking at them quickly answer the following questions. What's their mood? What kind of dwelling do they live in? What do they do for entertainment? What kinds of things do they worry about? What would their impression of you be? Now become aware of what led you to make the guesses you made? Reflect on how what you made up about the person affected the way you felt about them.
Exercise 2 Notice the meaning you attach to the non-verbal cues of 3 people you know and check out them out. This is a three-step process of 1) noticing a non-verbal cue and 2) noticing the meaning you're attaching to it and 3) checking it out. This might sound like "Sally, you're sitting there stirring your cereal like you really don't want to go to school." or " You seem distracted today and I'm making up that you're worrying about something."
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