Competing Commitments
It's end of the first week of January and I'm already feeling like a moral failure. On New Year's Eve I made a resolution to exercise 3 times a week; I have yet to make to the gym. I also resolved to clear the top of my desk of at the end of each work day. This morning as I sat down to work, I had a hard time finding room amidst the clutter on my desktop for my coffee cup.
I know how I want my life and work to be. I even know what I need to do in order to accomplish those things. Why don't I ever seem to follow through in doing them? My inner voices tell me it’s a lack of moral fiber and commitment - if I only worked harder or were more determined
Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey, researchers in adult learning and change leadership at Harvard, offer a different perspective. Our inability to follow through on our intentions and resolutions may not come from a lack of commitment, but from too much commitment. " For every commitment we genuinely hold to bring about some important change, there is another commitment we hold that has the effect of preventing the change."
When we find ourselves making resolutions and not following through, Kegan & Lahey's research suggests that it's because we have a second commitment called a competing commitment that unconsciously holds us back. We operate under an unexamined and often even unconscious assumption that to follow through on this new commitment would jeopardize the older, more deeply held commitment. They call this assumption the "Big Assumption" because we take it, not as a perspective that may or may not be valid, but as unquestionable truth.
When we are unaware of them, these commitments and assumptions hold tremendous power over us. In their book, Kegan and Lahey provide a practical process for identifying and then releasing the grip of competing commitments and big assumptions on our lives so that we can move forward in new ways. Here it is in a nutshell.
Step One : The process begins with identifying a complaint. What is it that drives you crazy, that really bothers you? What do you really wish would change? (example: " I hate the way people talk behind each other's backs.")
Now flip your complaint and look at it from the other side. What does it indicate that you value? What is it indicate that you are committed to that is violated in this situation? (example: "direct and open communication among our staff" What then is my commitment? "I am committed to the value and importance of communicating in open and direct ways.")
Step Two : Look at yourself objectively. What are you doing or not doing that prevents your commitment from being fully realized? (example: "When I'm upset with someone, I don't tell them. When I hear others gossiping I don't stop them. I collude in it being ok to talk about others behind their backs.")
Step Three : Given your answer in step two, what might you also be committed to? (example: "I am committed to having people like me and feel comfortable around me.")
Step Four : What Big Assumption am I making and holding as truth? (example: "I assume that if I shared my frustrations directly with people they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't be open with me.")
Once a competing commitment and big assumption have been surfaced, the authors recommend that we not try to immediately change our thinking or behavior. Instead, they suggest that we simply notice how our big assumption is at work in our lives. What does or does not occur as a consequence of holding our Big Assumption? In what areas of our lives does it have an impact?
Step Five : After becoming familiar with the Big Assumption, the next step is to actively look for experiences in your life that cast doubt on the truth of that assumption. What experiences have you had that could lead you to question the unfailing truth of your Big Assumption?
Step Six : Explore the history of your Big Assumption. When was it born? What foundation does it rest on? How solid a foundation is that for you in the present day in your present situation?
Step Seven : Design safe and modest tests of the Big Assumption. Only after becoming curious and exploring the nature of your Big Assumption do Kegan and Lahey suggest you consider taking small actions that you would not normally permit yourself. Take baby steps in safe settings and ask for feedback from trusted people.
Why do we bring Competing Commitments and Big Assumptions to you?
While we've found it exceedingly helpful in our work with individual clergy, we've become increasingly fascinated about its application in working with congregational systems. What are the competing commitments and big assumptions held by congregations?
We've lost count of the times we've seen the scenario played out in a church. Here are two typical examples.
Church A has discovered that their neighborhood is full of single-parent families facing economic and emotional challenges. The church council declares their intention to connect with and serve them, but things never get off the ground. A year later a peek into the worship service reveals no new faces.
In reflection, the board discovered that while they felt a true commitment to reaching out and incorporating these troubled families, they ALSO were committed to having a quiet, peaceful worship experience. Their Big Assumption was that worship could not be sacred and meaningful if there were noisy and disruptive children present. Their Big Assumption kept them stuck.
Church B is committed to numerical growth. Located in a largely un-churched area, they want to share with others the transforming life and support they've found for themselves in their Christian faith. Like church A, though committed to that growth goal, nothing has happened.
As they reflected on a series of choice points listed in Roy Oswald's book Discerning Your Congregation’s Future , they realized that they had a competing commitment - having free access to the pastor. Their Big Assumption was that without open access to the pastor their spiritual needs would not be met.
The answer for a congregation wanting to move forward in a new direction may not be in more planning and determination. Kegan and Lahey's book offers an alternative path.
Where do you experience competing commitments and big assumptions blocking your congregation's growth and development? What has been your experience? How have you worked with testing out the big assumptions people hold?
Let us hear from you.