Dan Smith & Mary K. Hucyke: CourageousSpace Newsletter: August 2007
The Trickster's Triangle
At a recent conference we spoke at, a participant shared: "I frequently find myself caught in the middle of a situation. No matter what position I take or what role I play, I end up in a stressful, uncomfortable place. For instance, at a meeting last week, Joe's work on the new building was really being trashed. I stepped right in to defend him, he's had a heck of a summer. And before I knew what had happened, everybody, including Joe, was blaming me. I barely slept that night, these people have no idea what they put me through. They wouldn't treat their dog they way they treat me."
Welcome to that most alluring and treacherous of places, the Trickster's Triangle.
Imagine an equilateral triangle with the three points name: Victim. Villain.
Hero. It's the Bermuda triangle of relationships, where people and their actions
are cast into one of three roles. It's easy to be drawn onto the Trickster’s
Triangle and we each have a natural entrance point, one role that we leap to
most naturally. The moment we do, we create roles for those around us and relate
to them as if they were their role, thus inviting them to step onto the triangle
with us. Once on, we tend to stay on, simply swapping out roles.Victim
Villain HeroIt happened to Pastor Barb as fall programming was starting up in
her church. Plans had been made two months earlier for recruiting Sunday-School
teachers but those who had taken responsibility for the recruiting had not followed
through. People turned to Pastor Barb as a crisis began to emerge. Feeling responsible
for the church's programming, she stepped onto the triangle in the role of hero.
Pastor Barb staffed the Sunday School in a matter of two weeks. Many of the
teachers, however, felt pressured into taking on a responsibility they really
did not want to take on. Even though they said "yes", some felt they
were victims of someone else's agenda or failure. Each could name clearly who
the villain was. For some it was Pastor Barb; for others, the committee chair
who failed to do his job; for still others, those new members who refuse to
help out.
For Pastor John, it's the role of victim that tempts him on the triangle. It
happened most recently when he failed to visit a loyal member's mother-in-law,
a long time inactive member of the church, when she was in the hospital. Confronted
by someone ready to be the heroic advocate for proper pastoral care he felt
victimized by a faulty communication system. He quickly found someone for the
villain role - the prayer chain group who had failed to pass information on
to him.
With our help, the vicious triangle perpetuates itself. And pastors are particularly
susceptible to stepping onto it both as the initiator and in response to someone
else's initiation. Sometimes it's feeling we're held responsible to fix just
about everything that nudges us over the edge. Sometimes it's over functioning
out of a need to never disappoint anyone that motivates us. Sometimes it's the
need to righteously speak out for a cause or principle that seems to justify
stepping onto the triangle.
The bottom line is that living on the trickster's triangle is neither healthy
nor fulfilling for a pastor or for anyone else. Heroically taking on responsibility
for things you have no control over, allowing yourself to feel helplessly victimized
by circumstances, being the villain by attempting to control someone else –
these are not the roles Jesus modeled for us, nor are they roles we see him
casting others in, even those who betrayed and killed him.
Living on the trickster's triangle creates stress and takes the joy out of ministry
and of living. It's one of the biggest causes of burn-out we see. And, the pastor
who continues to step onto the trickster's triangle contributes to perpetuating
unhealthy patterns in their congregation and the lives of congregants.
Jesus brought a great deal of very good news. One aspect of that good news is
that it's possible to live with and minister to others off the triangle. But
how? How do you avoid being caught in the middle? How do you step off of and
stay off of the triangle? And, what does "off the triangle" even look
like? For some of us, it's hard to believe that other options even exist. If
you're feeling like you don't have a choice, that's exactly the clue that you're
either on or about to step on the trickster's triangle.
Two words provide the answer. The first is awareness. Sure,
some situations, like a fire, call for immediate action. Most situations, however,
allow us the opportunity to stop and reflect before we speak...if we will take
it. No matter how fast and furious things seem to be unfolding with someone
else, we almost always have the choice of pausing and asking ourselves some
questions before responding: "What role on the triangle am I casting this
person or persons in?" "Which role on the triangle, am I tempted to
take on." "How else might I look at this? How might Jesus?" "What
do I want to do....and what is the response that best furthers what I seek to
serve?"
The second word is choice. Just because someone else is on
the triangle, doesn't mean we have to join them in their view of the world.
Just because our personality and past experiences makes stepping into certain
roles feel "right," doesn't mean we have to do it. What is it you’re
are seeking to serve with your life and your leadership? What is the kind of
life you seeking to create for yourself and your congregation? If we truly want
those things for ourselves and others, then we must choose ways of being that
support them.
And no, it's not easy. It take vigilance to stay aware and it takes courage
to stay off or get off the triangle. Doing so may not make you any friends.
It means abandoning the pleasure of being looked to as a hero, the righteousness
that comes from laying blame on others, and the release of letting go and blasting
someone with our frustration and contempt. But nothing will change unless someone
changes. And, that someone has to be you as the leader of your own life and
the leader in the congregation.
As you prepare for fall, take some time, to notice and think through how the
trickster's triangle plays out in your church and in your life.
Which role on the triangle do you adopt most easily? What circumstances are
mostly likely to provoke it? What are other options for you the next times you
are in that circumstance?
CourageousSpace 2007